Shattered Illusions
by TheIncredibleDancingBetty
Summary: In the future, things are not what they seem. Donatello is determined to keep things within their boundries, but horror and sorrow will be sure to spill over if the rules are broken... Please Read and Review! Anon Reviews Welcome! Warning: GORE! Possible ONESHOT


I don't own the TMNT

A/N: This is likely a oneshot, there is a slight likelihood that I might do more, either from what happened before or after, I have thoughts on it but nothing too concrete. This took me a few days to write, I hope that you like it! I'm really stepping out of the box on this one LOL Thanks to sleepingseeker, her awesome writing in dramatic family scenes inspired this big time!

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_They ran along the rooftops, moving gracefully against the night sky. Raph and Leo were at odds again. They stopped on the roof of a lower building, looking darker in the shadow of the surrounding structures, releasing the pent up energy that had been building. Their shouts pierced the peaceful darkness of the night. Not wanting to hear it, not yet willing to try to intervene, Mike hopped up on the neighboring rooftop, fishing for his headphones. Then a bright light in the sky attracted his attention. Curious, he hopped higher, standing on top of a storage shed on the roof. Smiling, he stretched his body, imagining that he could touch that bright light. It traveled across the sky, its bright tail following behind it. A shooting star! He giggled and stretched higher, wriggling his fingers in the air. Then the light seemed to come closer...was it nearing the ground? His eyes widened as it crashed, sending blinding light-_

I woke with a jolt, my breath coming in harsh pants. For a second I blinked, confused in the darkness. Then everything began to settle, and the realization of where I was set in once more. Letting out a low groan, I rubbed my face with a rough hand. How long would these dreams last? Maybe they were punishment for...

NO! No, Donnie-boy. I told myself I wouldn't think that way anymore, right?

Setting my jaw, I threw the blankets aside, padding across the cold floor. Yawning, I switched on the light. Like I did so often, I surveyed the room. Seriously, did I expect something to change during the night? Maybe I was hoping that this was all a dream.

Since when was I prone to such idiotic illusions?

Shaking my head, I turned my back to my room. Strange, in any other situation it would be a dream come true. A real bedroom. A queen size bed (temper-pedic) with Egyptian cotton sheets and a fluffy feather comforter. The rug was an antique oriental, the tile was marble. The nightstands were stainless steel, as was the rest of the furniture. My favorite building material.

In any other case, it would prove a comfort. Or at least I thought it would at one point, which is why I designed it that way.

Not my first disappointment by far.

My gaze strayed to the one thing out of place in the room. It was the size of a twin sized bed, but looked eerily similar to a coffin. A sense of shame filled me at the sight of it. Dropping my head, averting my eyes, I turned away from it and headed to my master bathroom.

Like I did so many times, I stared at myself in the mirror.

My body was taller, slightly more gaunt than it was so many years ago, when I was a youthful, idealistic teenager. For the most part, I'd say that I had aged reasonably well. Yes, I didn't have quite the muscle tone that I had before, and there were little wrinkles criss-crossing my face, but that part was to be expected. Worry wrinkles. How long had I worried? About everything? Then my gaze traveled down to the scars that still puckered my skin. Not the normal scars you might expect from battle, but the more nefarious kind, the kind that highlighted missing flesh, the kind that screamed of my past a little too loudly for my taste.

Turning away from the mirror, I mentally went over my latest project: a laser to treat said scars. I wanted them off. A few more weeks, perhaps, then it would be ready.

Stepping into the shower, I turned the water as hot as I could stand it. Multiple, undulating jets of water pummeled my body, massaging the flesh, scrubbing every last inch clean. It was hard not to think of our first shower at times like this, the simple shower head attached to the water line that I had so long ago circumvented...

Stop thinking of the past.

It's not healthy.

Remember what happened last time...

I shook myself. Right. Think of the now. The present.

Tying on my mask after toweling off, I headed to the kitchen. It was a beautiful kitchen. Wide open, an island in the middle, marble countertops, Kraus stainless steel sink with touch sensor, all the latest kitchen gadgets...Use of those gadgets had greatly increased my cooking skill. But the best thing about the kitchen was my family, sitting there on the booth seating, already eating breakfast on the extended countertop.

I smiled, feeling myself relax slightly, as I prepared myself a cup of coffee with a pack of instant Foldgers. "Good morning, guys!"

Mike beamed, forking in some more bacon. "Good morging!" He said through a mouth full of pork.

Raph glowered at him. "Geesh, Mike, you'd think you'd learn to swallow first by now!" He gave me a rough, half smile. "Mornin' genius!" He spat the words out, giving me a slight glare the entire time. I eyed him somewhat warily, hoping he wouldn't start again.

Leo was nonplussed, quietly sipping tea as he read the paper. "Good morning, Don." He gave me a warm smile and a slight inclination of the head before returning to the latest news.

Splinter sat at the table, holding a cup of tea between his hands. "Good morning, my son. Did you have a pleasant rest?"

I looked at all of them. They, too, had also aged. A couple decades will do that to you. They all looked better than me, though. They were...perfect. Even Splinter, with his graying hair and look of frailty peeking through the fluffy terrycloth robe looked exactly how I would picture him. They all looked like how I thought they would.

Going to dangerous territory there, Don.

Shaking myself slightly to dispel the feeling, I smiled back. "So, what's new today?" I asked as I got out a pan. Adding some water and freeze-dried milk to the dehydrated eggs, I began to make myself some scrambled eggs.

Mike bounced on his seat. "Can you show me how to work that one thing? In the other room? The, ugh, watcha-ma-callit?" He giggled. "I can't believe that you made something like that! It's so AWESOME!" He began to mimic the sound of an airplane, moving his body as if he was on one. "I'll bet I'm an awesome pilot!"

I smiled at my youngest brother. "I'm not quite done with the drone yet, remember? And it's for exploration first and foremost." A look of blatant disappointment washed over his face. Something stabbed in my heart. "But I'm sure that I can whip up something extra! Something that you can use. It will be easier once I work out all the bugs with this one." Immediately his face became alight with delight once more and I smiled warmly at him.

Raph snorted. I looked at him, brow furrowed. "Gee. Sure wish I could spend all day playing with toys! Fucking tired of being stuck in this stupid tin can." He mumbled something not-so-nice under his breath. Something twisted inside me. Was it really going to happen again?

Immediately Leo set down his paper, coming to my rescue. He gave Raph a pointed look. "Stop it, Raph. You know that Don's doing his best. It's not like we have a whole lot of options. Not with all that's happened. We should be grateful for what we have."

"HAH!" Raph interjected. He clenched his fists, glaring at me, clearly spoiling for a fight.

Something inside me tightened. It WAS going to happen again! I couldn't...it had been months...could I do it again? My breath caught in my throat for an instant, a look of panic on my face.

Mercilessly, Raph continued. "All we have? What the hell does that mean, fearless? You mean all that Don's got! He's got _all_ of it! And what's outsi-"

"STOP!" I slapped the counter.

Everyone in the room froze for a second, not even moving an inch, until suddenly they started once more. I looked at them, waiting anxiously to see what they were going to do. Luckily, though, the spell seemed to be broken. Raph shook himself, fixing me with a stare. "You're hiding something. These rules...they're hiding something."

"Raph..." Leo said warningly. Shooting him a glare, Raph grumbled under his breath, roughly taking his breakfast in a clenched fist and stomping out of the room. Leo gave me a look, putting on a slight smile. "Sorry, Don. Almost forgot about the rules, there."

Shaking slightly, I nodded though I didn't really feel it. Forget? How the hell could they forget? I mean after all I-

Don't go there, Don.

Stopping, I breathed in deeply, holding it for a second before releasing it. After one more such breath, I could feel myself calm down. Leo smiled an approving smile. He always liked it when I used his deep breathing exercises.

Finishing making my scrambled eggs, I turned to sit next to Mike who was licking his plate to get every last bit of bacon grease. Wrinkling his nose, Leo shook his head. "Mike...come on! That's so unhealthy!"

_lick_"But it's..." _lick_ "so..." _lick_ "delicious!" _lick lick_

Giving an exasperated sigh, Leo turned to Splinter for support. The old rat simply shrugged his shoulders, clearly indicating that he wasn't going to get into it today. Rolling his eyes, peeking out a smile, Leo elbowed Mike. He giggled and licked Leo on the face, leaving behind saliva mixed with bacon grease. "Yech!" he cried, pushing Mike away. This immediately turned into an impromptu wrestling match, which ended in Leo sitting astride Mike's torso, tickling him mercilessly.

I chuckled to myself. The family banter was one of the best parts of the day.

The rest of the morning seemed to speed by. I had scheduled it to be busy. First I played batmitten with Mike. Something that I had put in to start a new exercise regimen, which would help improve my immune system should I have to go topside. I had a special racket for the game. The netting was made of wires with a slight charge, so that they could catch the birdie. We did this for an hour. It was very enjoyable and I was glad that I had thought of it. Listening to Mike's constant stream of jokes was refreshing, a few even made me laugh out loud. I could almost feel the good humor pouring out of him. Even Raph, who was hanging around the door, looking at me suspiciously, didn't spoil it.

Next I began to work on the drone in my specialized workshop, one leaps and bounds better than the one at my Lair. The drone was sizeable, bigger than I would have liked. This was mostly because I was, of course, working with scraps, so I didn't get too much of a choice. I was working on the main engine component today, which meant that Raph tended to hang around even more. In the past, whenever I had a bigger engine project, Raph would lend a hand, being the best with that stuff besides me from working on his motorcycle. Naturally he wasn't too much of a help right now, in fact with his grumpy griping and constant attempt to bring up forbidden topics it was beyond irritating. It was downright dangerous. I was about to send him away, but how often had I tried to take the bad with the good? Besides, bad things happened if I was too forceful with him in particular. At least he was support for the engine components, even if he couldn't physically help.

Then it was another round of exercise, this time one-on-one training with Leo. Of course there was no contact training, mostly instruction from his knowledge. I enjoyed times like this. How often in the past, during my youth, did I take his steady leadership for granted? Too often, I was sure. Even now, he always seemed to offer his support when things got out of hand.

Afterwards it was more work. Upkeep on all the systems, tweaking the circuitry, and working on other projects that I had started. All my family would pop by from time to time while I did these things. They made comments, started conversations, made the occasional joke or just offered their presence. Either way, I wasn't alone, which in itself was a godsend. Raph, of course, didn't leave me alone. I found myself tense whenever he decided to press into things he shouldn't. To poke at the rules that I had set for them. It was happening again, to be sure. It happened this way last time. Everything was good, regular and wonderful. But as time pressed on, things became different, especially with Raph.

Maybe I needed a break.

My time spent with Splinter...I wish I could tell you that there was a scientific, logical reason for it, like there is with my brothers. That would be a lie, of course. I just loved to hear him talk, listening to him tell tales from ancient Japan, or even from his soap operas. His voice, though frail, brought back such warm, cozy childhood memories. This might be a bad idea. At times, it almost brought me to tears, remembering such times. There was a constant danger of thinking too often of the past. Bad things could happen. But how could I cut this time with my father? Strange, being so sentimental. The only other bad part of it was that I couldn't hug him, bury my face in his fur like I did so long ago.

I should've known that it would happen. Raph had already started things on a bad leg during breakfast. He didn't exactly relent through the day. I should've known that he wouldn't let up.

It started innocently enough. They were sitting, eating their dinner while I finished making my own. It wasn't much, I was so tired that I had settled for a military MRE instead of preparing another dehydrated meal. It didn't look appetizing in the slightest, but it tasted better than it looked. The rest of my family was eating a pizza, alternately chatting amongst themselves. Mike gulped down his third slice, sticking his fingers in his mouth with loud smacks, his other hand playing with a tennis ball. "Mmmm! Don, do you want a slice of pi-"

"Mike." Leo admonished, giving the youngest a pointed look.

He looked at his older brother for a moment, eyes wide as he realized his mistake. Looking slightly chagrined, he smiled at me. "Sorry bro." He tossed the tennis ball in the air, catching it in his cupped palm. "Hey, you want to put that new racket to use again? Maybe a game of tennis after dinner?"

I was about to answer when Raph interjected. "No." He gave me a dark look. Something inside me twisted and I froze on my stool, staring at him, beseeching him with my eyes to stop. Please stop. Please, I don't want to do this again.

He didn't listen.

Of course, he also didn't know what would happen.

He gave me a twisted smile. "Mike, you were going to ask if he wanted pizza, right? Don, why don't you have a slice? Why do you always eat different stuff than us? Why isn't the stuff that we touch allowed to touch you? Hmm?"

A type of fear creeping in his eyes, Mike shook his head so fast his bandana tails slapped the side of his face. "No! I wasn't!" He gave me a look, plastering on a smile, showing me that he was doing good. "Tennis! Yeah! That's what I said! I want to play tennis!"

Smacking his palm on the countertop, Raph jabbed a finger in my direction. "Tennis. Yes. Let's talk about tennis. Why don't you use Mike's racket? Hmm? Why do you have to have your own special racket, genius? Is it the touching thing again?"

Leo got to his feet. "STOP it, Raph! You know why!"

Raph stood face to face with Leo, fists clenched, body tense. "Really?" He gestured sharply towards me. Sneering at his brother, he pointed at me accusingly. "Because it's against the 'rules?" he said, making the air-finger quote. "Why do we have them? Hmm?"

Leo blinked. He didn't know why. None of them did. They just knew that something bad would happen.

Snorting, Raph shook his head. "You don't know. None of us do. Wouldn't you like to know, though? He's the genius, right? Maybe he could enlighten us!" Baring his teeth, he glared at me. "Why do you need your own racket, Don? The one with the wires? Why can't we talk about outside, Don? Why can't we touch you, Don? Why can't we talk about the past, Don? Why can't we-"

He was interrupted as Leo shoved him backwards. "I mean it! You can't talk about that kind of stuff! It's against the rules!"

"WHY!" He roared. His body tensed. Seeing it, Leo made to grab at him, but he dodged out of the way. Snatching the tennis ball Mike was tossing out of the air, he hurled it at my face.

I couldn't help but wince at it, even though I knew exactly what would happen. It didn't hit me, instead it pixelated as it touched my skin, passing harmlessly through me, pixelating once more on the other side of me as it completed its pass.

For a tense second, everyone froze. Then, once again, they began to move. Leo looked at me, sorrow etching his face. Mike buried his face in his hands. Splinter dipped his head, tears beginning to form in his eyes. Raph stared at me, eyes bulging, finger pointed at me. "IT'S NOT REAL!" He turned, clenching his head in his hands. "Not real. The ball wasn't real. That's why you need a special racket. I'll bet the pizza's not real, too. WHAT ELSE!" Then, just like it always did when the rules were broken, the truth began to set in. I could see it on the faces of my family, only deepening their sorrow. The truth. It was killing us inside. Raph's face twisted in pain and rage. He shook his head in angry disbelief. "No, it can't be true…I'm not playing this game! But you can't help it, can you? You can't fucking help it! You sick fuck! You need me here, you need us all here! Just to satisfy you're stupid brain! Why don't you go crazy again, huh? Instead of this sick, twisted, shit!" Stepping closer he flung a punch at me, his fist passing through my body, pixelating slightly as it did so. He roared in angry frustration. Mike gasped in shock as it happened. Leo gagged and Splinter's sobs became louder.

My stomach twisted fully, my dinner almost coming back up. My head hung low as I tried not to look at them.

It was coming. Just like it always did when the illusion was shattered.

Just like always, I couldn't help but look.

Tears began to form in my eyes as I looked at my brothers. The memories that I had inadvertently downloaded, now awakened, were rushing back. Already blood was forming in Raph's gums, eyes and nose as he glared at me, the scarlet colors contrasting brightly with his ever-paler, shrunken in skin. He was no longer older, he was the teenager from so long ago. Beside him, Leo, the teenage Leo, looked at me, sad disappointment etched in his face. He was also pale, his skin reddening and puffing in some areas on the flesh of his guant, emaciated body, blood forming on the orifices of his face just like Raph. Mike, though...the little teenaged Mike was sitting on the stool, sobbing into his plate. Large blisters were forming on his skin, bubbling like hot oil. The skin on his arm turned a deeper and deeper red until it sagged, ready to fall right off his body. When he turned to look at me his eyes were clouded and sightless. Opening his lips, revealing the blood in his mouth, he wailed. Splinter got up on ever shakier feet, his hair falling out in waves, revealing naked skin, his flesh shrinking in on his emaciated body until he was only skin loosely draped over his skeleton. Skin and bones.

"It's not real..." Raph hissed. He coughed. Blood speckled his hand. "_We're_ not real..." The skin on his right side of his arm and leg started to pucker as the burn began to appear. He looked at his hands as they reddened and flaked, shaking his head in anguished disbelieve. "Not real…"

Leo furrowed his eyeridges, confused. Blinking, he looked at me, but I could tell he wasn't all there, just like before. Just like the last time I ever saw him "What does he mean, Don?" His words slurred slightly. More weight seemed to fall off him. He was nearly as bad as Splinter.

I pushed the stool from the table, my heart thudding against my plastron, my entire body quaking. "Please. Please stop!" I whispered. I backed up on shaking limbs, clutching my head in my hands. "I don't want to do this again!"

"Ooooooh!" Mike wailed as more blisters formed and then popped on his skin. The skin on his arm finally slipped off the limb, falling on the floor with a wet splat. The flesh remaining was red and raw, weeping fluid. "It hurts! Aaaah! HELP! It hurts so BAD!" He sobbed out loud, falling off his stool when he tried to get up. On shaking limbs he crawled towards me. "Doooooooonie! Heeeeeeeelp meeeeee!" Reaching me, he reached for my leg, but of course his hand only passed harmlessly through my ankle. "It hurts! PLEASE!"

I backpedaled, away from my family, away from all this, stumbling and falling on my shell in the process. "NO! No! Nononononononooooo!"

My family advanced forward, moaning in pain. Lethargic, burned, infected...just like they were so long ago. Just like what was in my memories.

Hitting the wall with my shell, I froze there for an instant, staring at them, every part of me trembling. "Please! Don't talk about it anymore! That's why I made the rules! I can't think of those things! It will only get worse! PLEASE!" I begged, I pleaded. Tears poured out of my eyes as my breath tore out of my lungs in gasping gulps.

Looking confused, Leo looked at me. "I don't understand. The rules?" He looked around like a lost child even as his skin festered.

"What's outside?" Raph whispered hoarsely. His voice was getting weaker. Limbs quaking he pointed at the wall. "What's out there?"

"DOOOOOONNNIIIEEEEE!" Mike wailed. His face was on the tile, he was too exhausted to pick it up. More skin was loosening, preparing to slough off as well. But still he dragged himself forward on hooked fingers.

Splinter coughed. "My...son..." He collapsed on the floor, his bones practically quaking on the impact. He didn't move.

It was too late. Much too late. How could I be so stupid? Sorrowful terror streaked through me. My family came closer, inch by inch. I screamed at them. It wasn't supposed to be like this! Scrambling on the floor, I surged to my feet, lurching out the door. I didn't make it four steps until I had to empty the contents of my stomach, retching painfully in the hallway.

Leo reached me, reached out for me, tried to touch my shell...then stumbled and fell as his hand passed right through it. Raph tripped over Leo's body, causing them both to pass out in pain, coming to again almost immediately with screams tearing from their throats. Mike wailed louder, leaving a trail of fluids as he pulled himself forward, screaming for help.

I ran...or staggered...on quaking legs to the end of the hallway. There was the mainframe, the massive CPU that I had built. With shaking fingers, I fumbled to the power box on the side. It took me six tries to open it, my fingers were trembling so much. Blinking past the tears, I tried to look for the label.

"What...what are y-you d-d-doing..." Leo quaked. He had himself propped up on his katana, leaning all his diminishing weight on it. The pained confusion on his face was more than I could bear.

My lower lip trembled. "I-I'm sorry! I just can't take it!" My body quaked with another sob, my knees knocking together.

"I KNOW what you're doing!" Raph hissed, his voice nearly gone. I couldn't see his teeth through the blood. By now his face was painted in scarlet. His fingers, curved into hooks, reached for me. "You're going to kill us! AGAIN!"

"NO!" I screamed. Suddenly I lost strength in my legs and sat with a thump. Pounding my fists on my knees, I screamed it again and hid my face in my hands. "I didn't kill you! I DIDN'T!"

"Dooooonnniiee!" Mike moaned into the floor. "What happened!"

"I couldn't save you..." I whispered into my hands. They were both soaked in my own tears. "I'm so sorry. I tried. I couldn't save you." They all cried out at once, coming ever closer to me. Something steeled within me. I had to stop this. Once again, there was no saving them. Slowly, I regained my feet. Looking at the label, I put my finger on the button.

"LOOK AT ME!" Raph screamed, his voice hoarse. "LOOK AT US when you KILL us!"

Another sob tore from my throat. Turning my face I looked at them. My dying family. No. My dead family. A scream tore through the air as I pushed the button. Dimly I realized the scream was my own. Everyone froze as soon as the button was pushed. Then, slowly, they all disappeared as I shut the power off of that segment of the CPU. As I shut down that portion of the 'ILLUSION' program.

I'm not sure how long I stood there, crying, screaming, pounding the wall as I looked at the spots were my family stood only a moment ago. Then slowly, with jagged movements much older than my actual age, I headed back to my room, my body and emotional being completely spent.

I just killed them. I failed them again.

Strange, I had created the program to feel them again, but at times like this it almost didn't seem worth it. All the anguish, only to be relived again and again and again. And I could tell myself that this would be the last time. But I knew the truth. Given a week I'll probably be starting the program all over again, enjoying myself in my little illusion until the next, eventual crash.

Sitting on the bed heavily, I was dimly aware of the shower running.

I didn't move. It was as if my body was a leaden weight.

April headed out of the shower, her slender, adult body wrapped in a thick towel. She cocked her head, wet red hair falling over her face. Giving me a look of caring sympathy, she tried to give me a smile. "It happened again, didn't it?" She whispered.

Biting my lip, I nodded. Fresh tears surged to my eyes.

She sat down beside me. "I'm so sorry, Don. At least this Illusion...lasted longer, right?"

I nodded again. "Yeah. Almost three months. But then one of them starts to get curious...They want to test the rules and then…" My voice broke. I tried to stop it. I didn't want to cry anymore.

Looking down, she nodded. "The program is based on your memory. You have to have those rules. If they remind you too much of what happened, then you start to remember them as they were. After the bomb hit."

Fucking nuke. I clenched my fists. The anger felt so much better than the intense sorrow. Of course, in this situation, it didn't last. The sad emotion creeped back. My voice croaked as I remembered it once again. "If only Mike didn't catch most of the flash. He was so bad..." Then my dam broke once more. With that I flopped on the bed, sobbing a river of tears into the blanket, twisting the stupid fabric between my fingers. Venting my sorrow, screaming my frustration.

"At least you weren't outside when it hit." April commented.

Yes. She was right. April and I were in the Lair, working on a very delicate project when we felt the blast. Sensing something, maybe with his rat senses, Splinter insisted that I stay behind as he went topside to check on things. To get my brothers. I didn't realize it at the time, but Splinter was probably thinking that it would be best to keep me, the family doctor, safe. I think that maybe he knew what happened.

If only he knew that I had no idea how to deal with radiation sickness after a nuclear fallout. Even if I did, I had none of the highly specialized equipment. All I could do was to treat the symptoms. Of course that wasn't enough. Instead I had to watch everyone die around me as I struggled in vain to save them. As I failed them.

"Maybe you can try again? To figure out how to remove that portion of your memories of them from the system?"

I shook my head. The last time I tried, I almost deleted them all. Getting my memories uploaded in the first place was a lucky fluke.

"Well, maybe next time you can let me come with you? I can't stay behind each time you know that it's coming."

Once again I shook my head then turned to look at her, my face raw with my own tears. "I don't want you to see them like that." I croaked.

She gave me a warm smile and stroked my cheek with the back of her fingers. Her skin pixelated slightly when it made contact with my skin. Her smile broadened. "At least you don't have to worry about that with me, right?"

I couldn't help but return the smile as I nodded. Reaching for her hand, I watched as mine went through hers. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you." I whispered.

"It's okay. I needed to find my father and you couldn't leave your family. At least you never saw how I was at the end, you don't have to worry about that image coming back if you never saw it."

The reminder made my stomach twist once more. I shuddered and another sob threatened to tear from my throat.

"How about you let me make you feel better…" April suggested, pointing to the twin bed sized pod at the end of the room.

My gut flipped even more at the sight of it, the familiar shame creeping back. I clenched my eyes and shook my head. "NO! No. Raph was right. I can't. That's not real. None of it's real."

"Does that matter right now?"

I paused for a second. Did it matter?

She saw my hesitation. "Come on, Don. Let me hold you."

For a moment I didn't respond, then her smile turned more sultry. Should I do it again? Something else started to war with the shame and self loathing. After another moment's hesitation, I slowly got up and headed to the pod. It looked so clean…and yet…I swallowed and continued. Opening it, I laid down on the thick cushion within it and placed the leads on the key locations on my head and chest. I saw her smiling at me from outside of it as I closed the door on myself. For an instant I almost yanked the leads off and scrambled out of it. This was dishonest, dishonorable. Deplorable. But my body betrayed me. Betrayed my mind. Struggling to relax, I closed my eyes.

When I opened them again I was in a white room. In the center was a soft, white bed with white sheets and comforter. April was sitting on it, dressed in a lavender silk neglige. She smiled at me and beckoned me towards her.

I have to admit that I walked towards her. I might say that I don't want to do this, don't want to be like this all I want, yet here I am, doing it again. I know that this is all a purposely built dream sequence. I know that when I touch her here, that it isn't real, that this isn't really her, that it is all in my head. I know that when she touches me, that it isn't really happening. I know that when she drops her clothing to the floor and invites me to her, that none of this is real.

None of this is real.

All that is real is me and my solitude.

Me and my loneliness.

Me and my CPU…

Maybe, just maybe, the least I can give to myself is this one little Illusion…

Just one more time…

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A/N: So how did you like it? Hm? Wow, writing this was such a ride, hope you enjoyed it as well. I actually had to research medical for this, which is unusual for me since I know a lot about it. But my training on nuclear injuries were mostly how to get them out, cleaned and to a doctor, not on treatment since that normally requires a LOT of specialization. I have no idea where this idea came from I know it's weird, but hopefully weird good. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!


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